Dear Diary,

I am struggling to write to you as my hands are exhausted and my throat is :sore I had not had a sip of water.

After what felt like a lifetime on the bus I hade arrived at my dream place called Camp Green lake . I would have known that this is the worlds best Camp to visit . I was so desperate to go inside and visit all the wonderful people that must been enjoying . I really could not wait to play with the other children because we would have so much fun all together . Imagine the beds we would sleep on and we might even have room service . It would just be like I am at home, or maybe even like heaven . Imagine how the weather would be like and all the cool breeze air I would feel . At Camp Green Lake we might even go asleep later than we do at home because at home I have a bedtime what I have to follow everyday. It had felt like days I have been on the bus . Finally I was just outside heaven I was very excited . The bus driver said watch out I was not sure If he meant the steps of the bus or Camp Green Lake .

As I entered the camp I felt welcomed as the cold breeze air hit my face ! Then I saw a moody looking man with a gun and he was spitting out  sunflower seeds ! IN my opinion there was no life in Camp Green Lake there was no weeds and in many other places you can find lots of them . I wished I never chose Camp Green Lake I wish I chose jail. All the Camp was full of sand and tents I thought we would have proper beds which are comfortable . I hoped that the children could at least be kind and caring . I didn’t know why the name was Camp Green Lake when it wasn’t green or there wasn’t any lake. The name sounded just like it would of have been a holiday.

There I was thinking the Camp was bad! I hadn’t even bothered about the people,I would meet ! Besides the bus driver he was incredibly rude, how did I survive with him for 9 hours . I was soon taken to this lovely clean room! The room belonged to a scary looking man ! He told me his name was Mr Sir and I was really not sure if that was his real name or do others just call him that . Our conversation felt like a lifetime just like it did on the bus, I was standing for long I thought how rude of him he didn’t even bother asking me to sit down . Mr Sir kept giving me orders and he gave me my clothes to wear I for work and one pair for the rest of the day. Mr Sir told me I have to dig a hole everyday and it has to be 5 foot wide and 5 foot down then the rest of the day is mine. I was not aloud a drink for 18 months I really was puzzled. I was not sure if I was going to stay alive without a drink for 18 months, in this boiling desert. Then came a half as scary looking person as Mr Sir. He said his name was Mr Pendanski . I shaked his hand. I  have to say he was not scary he only had a burnt nose . He seemed like a respectful man ! He said he was my counsellor I was going to say I am innocient but I knew it would be pointless. Then walked past two boys which looked no where near friendly. Mr pendanski told them to come and shake my hand and introduce themselves. There faces were dripping with sweat and they were full of mud . It took me a minute to actually realise what they look like . The boys were rude and I soon realised that It will be tougher than I ever thought.

I have a real bed at home and I don’t have a real bed here I miss my parents. At camp I have to stich with some rude carers . I don’t have nice delicious food like I have at home . I wish I was at home I would of have been enjoying with my loving caring family. Everything will change by the time I am out of here. What if my parents move house leaving me forever? I miss my grandparents which are always funny . I actually had a real shelter at home I wouldn’t even call this Camp my home anymore. What a wast of my time it was to travel 9 hours on a Bus .It is boiling here.

Dear warden,                                                                                                             Camp Green Lake,

Big bends texas

My son ,Stanley Yelnats,sent me a letter on June the 21st last week and I’m horrified of what he said! The abuse trauma and danger he is going through is despicable.  I’m  having sleepless nights and painfull migraines over the stress, worry and state I’m in .What  right do you have to treat my son this way?Why do you think this is ok?When he sent me this letter, I almost passed out I was in so much shock!

Tell me, why is it that you treat sanely as a hopeless slave? Why do you make him dig  holes 5ft deep and 5ft wide every day! It kills me to think my son could be in so much pain all the time. What nerve have you got to treat my son like a hopeless slave? Also don’t even think to say you can change his life if this is your example. All they need is somone to look up to and this is all you can offer .He also said that he’s not getting on with the other boys too well so you have to sort out that problem to. I’m distraught that you do this to Stanley.

the slavery and digging is unessersairy ! Such bad sun burns and blisters can cause skin cancer! So if my son or any other of the boys get really sick , its your fault and you will have some very angry parents on your back and ALOT of letters!

If this problem is not resolved , if you don’t treat Stanley Yelnats properly , and if you don’t take this  seriously , I will be seeking legal advice and shall be seeing you in quart and I will be with my loyer! I’m giving you a fair 2 weeks to apoligise to my son and I other wise you’ll be in quart with me and will have to explain your self to the judge. I should be hearing from you soon,

Yours faithfully, Lexie Yelnats.

One day in the city of new York a man was walking down the street to his apartment an when he got to his apartment he found a cracked window and a note but wasn’t sure what was going on. Soon he repaired the window that some body broke but he called the police so they could find out who did this. As it was getting dark  he went to his room and started reading the news paper but just then he heard a big bang on the door and foot steps going into the living room and he got out his chair and immediately went to check what on earth was going on .  It was a criminal robbing him but the criminal ran away instantly with a couple of his things so he called the police for another robbery that happened to him but just then he realized that the same person that robbed him twice left that note saying I’ll be back which was a bit strange because considering I didn’t do anything or maybe it was some kind of action that I did that she didn’t like but I am not sure what I did. As I went for a walk one day down the street and the sun was shining but lately a lot of bad things were going on such as robbery’s. Many people thought that robbery’s were quit rare here but I guess not because many have been happening all around the city which should stop happening. A car passed me and straight away when it did it crashed but strangely enough there was no one in the car but I really thought that I heard someone but I guess not. I called the pick up truck to take this crashed car to the junk yard and carried on walking down the street into the local park where many people came on such a fine day. I came back home and sat down and  suddenly a big bang  happened in my garage and found a human laying there and he wasn’t alive. the man checked who the man really was and he was a police officer who got shot by a bullet but the murderer didn’t leave any clues or belongings. The man called the ambulance  and left the garage . 3 months later. The person that robbed me was gone whilst  the man opened up a very famous bank and a lot of people started investing a lot of money into his bank but he was afraid that the robber would rob us as we do have a lot of money. 3 weeks later. The crook arrived that night at the bank with people to help him take all the money into the vans. So The people that came to help him distracted everyone that was protecting the vault and the criminal exploded open the vault and everyone left and they loaded all the money and drove. the next day the man got a heart attack and saddley died.

Some good ideas in the story but please make it easier for the reader to read by adding sentence punctuation and divide into paragraphs to make the whole story more organised.  Add descriptions and details about the settings too. 

Once in the far unknown woods  lived a little boy his name Is Luke he lived with his mother and his mother name is Sue . Luke and his mother weren’t happy as his dad died when Luke was young . Luke had nothing or no one to play with, he did not even go to school . One strange night Luke had a nightmare that he got attacked by zombies. Luke kept having nightmares and he told his mum, but his mum said just ,”don’t be worried nothing will happen”. In middle of the day Luke heard a banging noise from the kitchen and he got scared so his mother went to go check and it was a plate that smashed . The window was open so Luke’s mum thought it was the plate because the window was open .

At bedtime Luke heard a whistle noise from his back garden he looked through his window and he saw a shadow moving so, he told his mum and both of them went downstairs as slowly and carefully to check what or who it was in their garden ,downstairs in the garden was only Luke’s bike which fell and reflected on his window. They went back upstairs to their bedroom Luke asked his mum if he could stay with her for the night and she said yes .

Luke tried to tell his mum all the strange sounds he had heard for the past few weeks , but his mum never believed him. Luke got told to go to his room until his dinner is made , but then his mum remembered that here  was shut so Luke had to go to the shop and get a few water bottles . On the way to the shop he saw a few guys and they were talking loud so Luke went the other way to the shop so nothing happen’s. When I reached the shop the shop keeper was giveing  me some bad and dirty looks . After I made my way home and I gave the bottles of water to my mum . Then I helped setting out the table and getting out the plates and cups . When I got the plate’s out one of them smashed.

My mum sent shops once again and this time I had to get sun flower seeds from the store . I went to the shop and on the way I saw a persons hat and shirt lying on the ground and as I walked past I heard strange sounds again. I quickly rode my bike to the store and rode it back as I was scared because I started to hear strange sounds again . On the way back I fell over and I was badly hurt blood was dripping over my trousers so I walked home while holding my bike. Then I saw random people with weapon I was petreffied .The people were coming towards me and they badly injured me I could barely walk. I got home and told my mum she plastered me .

Luke is a kind and caring boy.

Some good ideas developed in the story. To uplevel it now, add some descriptions of characters and settings in the story and develop the last two sentences to give more details about the action here.

                                                                          She’s coming!

There was a family who had a strange girl.. she always screamed at night and always fell. Whispering to herself in fear, she ran outside and started sitting on the peer. Swinging her legs and humming, for others to hear.

The father went outside, seeing blood dripping from way up high. The father screamed in fear with the family running out to see their little girl gone… forever not to seen.

“HELP ME” they heard. They went up a ladder to get on the roof but hearing that noise made them think that their not alone for much longer. Running into their house was someone in fear but who was it? No one knew because they didn’t look.. but they did find a clue.

“Huh” the little boy said he saw a little black door with red. It said “come in” so the little boy followed with the parents heading to the road.

They made a mistake..

“He.. help me please” his “sister”  said. The little boy knew it wasn’t his sister but he wanted to see who it really was. The little boy open the door.. and saw a shadow, he carefully walked down the hallway with spiders and webs everywhere. The door slammed behind him and the windows started to make a noise.. like something was dragging knifes across it.. The little boy was paralyzed and wondered what his parents were doing.

The parents went to the road because they tried to find another clue but they saw a car coming to them and they saw no one in the car.. when they ran of the road the car stopped.. and backed up trying to get on the pavement so the parents ran trying not to get hit.

Soon as they remember their son they ran shouting his name and went to the house to see where he was.. they couldn’t see him.. the walls started to form into the house and the little boy was trapped. As he saw the shadow again and again he ran to go get it but he fell right into the shadows trap.

Screaming in a hole the little boy tried to get out and saw a figure of a little girl standing their right above him so he tried to reach for her and grabbed her but something was off.. her face was.. cut? but how? The boy pulled his self up and looks at the girl and said “sis?” the little girl smiled and led him out side the house, her parents saw and ran to her. She took him in the road standing with him..

“M-mom!” the little boy said. While a car came crashing into the kids. The parents where shocked and heart broken their kids… gone forever….. When they left in sadness. They got stopped by someone strange?… who kicked them into a hole to bury them alive.. never to be seem again!..

HURRY GO! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN! SHE’S COMING FOR YOU NEXT!!!

An effective scary story with a twist at the end.  Good use of different sentence starters. To uplevel the writing now, add more descriptions of places and the characters to further develop the idea of a scary atmosphere and weird or crazy people.

Once upon a time there was a little boy called Freddie and he lived with his mum Charmaine and his dad Garry and they also lived with his 2 cousin Chloe and Lexie and he also lived with his aunty Kerry .The next day my nan came over and she said she booked us all a hol and we all said thank you nanny and she said that’s  ok “but you need to start packing because your train is half 10 in the morning so go pack now you have 12 hours till your train “.  LEXIE ; I asked nanny” how long are we going on holiday for “she said 2 weeks so you need to pack a lot of cloths or you can pack a little bit of cloths then get some new cloths while you are down there . Kerry ;  Why did you book us a holiday  Nanny ; because I thought you needed a time away because you have been through>enough. Kerry : Well yes we have been through enough and have you booked us all a hotel for us to stay in .
Nanny : yes I have and there is food and drinks included and I have all ready payed for all your food and drinks so when you go to the counter you just need to give them your ticket and then they will see they are already payed and they have been payed for the whole 2 weeks . Everyone : Thank you we all needed this . Lexie : Are you not coming . Nanny : Of cause I am I got 6 tickets and there is 6 of us . Lexie and gaz : Shall we get Freddie’s hair cut because its getting long again . Charmaine : Yes lets get his hair cut but not on the 1st day we get there lets just get used to being there and we can go to the beach and look in the shops and then look at  are caravan we and staying in . Gaz : ok lets do that then but lets look at are caravan 1st .
>About 8 months ago me and the kids went to  a bowling club thing and there is abit for the adults and the kids bowling bit is right next to the adults bit so then  you can keep an eye on your kids . Charmaine : yeah that’s sound good yeah but now shall we go to bed because we need to get up early to get the kids dressed and us dressed then go to the train stasion by 10:20 then we will make the other 2 trains . NIGHT EVERYONE SEE YOU ALL IN THE morning . The next morning they were at the train station waiting for the 1st train then it arrived they had to stay on the train for 30 minuets WE got of the train but then we had to wait 20minuEts until the next train 20 minuets later which felt like hours the train arrived and this was are last train to get until we were at are holiday . Then we were finerly at the holiday but we had to get a bus to the caravan . tHEN WHEN WE GOT TO THE caravan we all went to bed because we had a long day

The end .

A good attempt at the story but please read through and add some sentence punctuation. This will make it much easier for the reader to understand your meanings in the story more.

I wonder what we would find in the blazing, green forest?.They were all best friends Rosie,sora and Jamie.They all liked to go exploring and see gorgeous leaves,stunning leaves and other lots of creatures.

Rosie,sora and Jamie were all walking to see if they had found anything so they could keep it for their collection but they had found nothing.All they could see was the rustling trees blowing away.

Although they just saw trees ,all of them saw different type of leaves that they all had never found before so they kept it for the collection.They kept walking and walking until they stopped so they could eat some food.Rosie forgot to bring some food so Sora and Jamie shared some food with her.

After they are some food, they wanted to explore more so they did.They couldn’t find nothing because none of my friends found nothing.Later,Sora found a couple of interesting leaves that she wanted so keep but I wasn’t interested  didn’t know what to do because I didn’t find nothing at all so I was about to give up.

Immediately,Sora found something strange but it looked like a secret cave.We didn’t know how to open it so we tried to figure out how to open the secret cave.Jamie stepped on something and the cave opened.”Wow this is amazing”Sora exclaimed.We all went inside the secret cave

Jamie said”Are we even going to find something interesting”.”We might find something interesting if you stop talking.” We explored the secret cave to see if we would find something interesting.”It looks like we can’t find something interesting.”

When we opened it there was shining rings that glistened inside the cave.Red crystal Jewells were like a blue diamond in the sky.Sapphire diamonds were as clear as crystals.We were surprised that we have found gold in a secret cave because we have never found gold when we went exploring.

We counted how much gold there was and there was 500 gold in the box.”Someone must of left this box for someone else to find”said Sora.Sora,Jamie and I went out of the cave and never told anybody about the secret cave and the gold.We came back the next day to explore more.

When it was the next day we went back to the cave.Sora,Jamie and I all saw hidden diamonds in the rusty walls.”This is beautiful.”We found a hammer and we were trying to break through the rock to get all the diamonds that we saw.

Once we finished we took a look at them.They were blue like sky as they glistened beautifully.Sora decided we should make some necklaces out of them as they were really gorgeous.We all stood next to each other and realised that they connect and stick to each other.

We were really shocked that they connected to each other but they were gorgeous when we all wore are necklaces.”I can’t believe that we have found this much gold in a cave.” Jamie said”.

I wonder who has left this much gold in this huge treasure box?….

A nice idea for a story. To make it even better, develop a problem which would introduce a major problem for the girls-  eg  some robbers are also trying to find or take the treasures you discover and this leads to dangers and problems for the group of girls.  They have to use bravery or their intelligence to find a solution to the problem.