I panicked uncontrollably as I got dragged further and further away from my home… I screamed and cried but nobody cared or even noticed, it was as such I was invisible… My world was spinning and the only 2 words I could mumble  out underneath my tears was SAVE ME! I had just came to the conclusion that I was being kidnaped! I immediately jumped out of the van and started running for my life. I didn’t even care where I was I just wanted to get away from any where near the van. I ran so far I passed out! Little did I know the shock that was awaiting me the next day……

I was awakened by the blazing hot sun early in the morning. I wasn’t sure of where I was until I looked around and I was in the middle of the desert! You see, I wasn’t worried because when I was a little girl, me and granny would always come to this desert, it was one of our places we would go to all the time. So  I  new this place well(atleast that’s what I thought…)when I was little we didn’t really go that deep into the desert for my own safety reasons and that’s when I got really worried. it had  been 2 hours  already and I was clueless about where I was going. I had never been to that part of the desert before and just new I was in big danger! I was lost in this vast desert and was never going to get out! I was tring to be realistic and was thinking of every last detail I had learnt about an desert in school and also more about this desert. Fortunately, I had  grabbed a bottle of water from the van before I escaped but there wasn’t a lot so I had to vairy my every sip I took. As minuets  turned into hours and hours turned into days I struggled to function. I doubt enyone was even looking for me after all, I lived with my Grandma and she cant really help because I bet she didn’t even notice I was gone… not like she would care anyways…..

it had been about 4 days and I saw a car coming towards me! This was one of the most happiest times of my life and saddest at the same time. you’ll see why once  I tell you…..The car was coming strait at me! I thought I was going to be saved! I was screaming with all my energy to try and get them to notice me but the drove right by me….. all my hope was lost at that point… that was the worst moment of my life! It took so  much energy out of me and just wanted to disopeir! I didn’t want to spend anymore time stuck in the desert….2 weeks late police car was driving around and I was running towads it  spotted me and saved my life! this is a story to warn people to be AWARE of KIDNAPING…

I love the “hook” into the story and you have created an engaging and exciting adventure story. You develop the problem of escape well and then have the twist at the end. Very inventive.  To make it even better, check through to make sure each sentence is punctuated correctly and add more description to different aspects of the story to develop atmosphere and emotion. 

 

The war against vampires!

A day were vampires and goblin at war the vampires do not just drink any blood it is goblins. The goblins live at X502 but the vampires do not know that they are trying to find there location for months and have no luck finding it. The goblins know were the vampires is so they can attack . The vampire kidnapped one of the goblins and now they know  were the goblins base. The king goblin demands for defences and to attack.

That goblin knew something that know one knows that there is something is so strong it could take out an galaxy the told the vampires the thing and said let’s team up against that thing let’s call him the master they went to there planet and told every thing the both kings decided to kill the master. We must fight together!

I have a plan to defeat the master I know were his planet is I think I must check on my map if we lose he can destroy our planets so easy yeah for I have defences stronger then him. You are a liar it is true said the king goblin so shall we fight yes we shall I’m going into my best ship and lets go. I see him and he looks a monster with a skull popping out with tentacles   what are red.  This is going to be a tough battle. Don’t be scared to sacrifice your life for another person . I am dropping down to him I have got some hits on the master shouts with anger you are no Mach for me the master swings his sword the goblin managed to Avoid his hits.

The master hit the goblin in the leg he is bleeding out a not a lot because he is so powerful the king goblin gets up and slain him. The vampires and the goblins went home peacefully to there planets . Although they slain the master he can come back from the dead if the body are still they if they get burnt to ash he can not come back  the master went to hunt them down in the goblins and the vampires satellite shows that he is come quick the kings said we got to prepare I have all of my troops guard the aria he could sneak at the back of the planet I see him!

A good story based on the fantasy ideas of goblins and vampires.  Read through and make sure each sentence is written in punctuated sentences. Please see me so we can work on this together.

My adventure started in the middle of the night, when I saw a little old cottage in the corner of my eyes, I knew it wasn’t a good idea to go inside but I felt the need to. At that moment I thought I had made a mistake, Even though I knew I would risk my life I didn’t let that stop me. I faced the fear I had and took a step closer to the cottage, I was surprised when I realised the door was open, I took a couple more steps. Shortly after I took more and more steps until I reached the door. I went inside I couldn’t  even describe the interior it looked like a haunted house with creaky  floors and spiders inside.

As I walked up the terrifying stairs I saw the scariest thing I had ever seen I thought I was just dreaming but I wasn’t I saw some weird person he looked like a zombie little did I know it was a zombie. I reached out to grab my mobile the time was 3am that made me even more curious I didn’t know what to do, I tried to take a step back but the floor deck creaked with a loud noise, he returned to the stairs and saw me. Me and him made a short time of eye contact he looked like he was about to grab me. His hands were green and he had super long nails I was terrified I didn’t want to run away I thought he would probably chase after me!

A few minutes later he disappeared within the thin air I took a few steps up the stairs to see if he had gone, but he really did disappear I started walking around the upstairs I found myself in a room. There was a girl inside of it I was shocked and didn’t know if she was dead or sleeping I presumed she was sleeping because she kept saying “come back” I didn’t know what she meant I knew this place was haunted. I quickly left the room filled with terror, then I went inside a different room to explore. This time there was a lady sitting on her bed her eyes were plain white I shook her to see if she was okay she replied with a very deep voice saying “yes why are you in my house” I had no idea what to reply with I said “I’m your daughters friend” I knew she was suspicious she then continued saying “my daughter doesn’t have any friends” I didn’t know what to say for real that time.

Run was the only thought in my mind so I did I ran away and out of the house as I ran down the stairs I saw the zombie I tried to be very quite so he wouldn’t see me but he still did I felt paralysed I stood in place and didn’t say anything I felt nothing, nothing…

A very dark, scary story with an unexpected ending. I love it!  You have also tried to use different sentence starters and used very effective descriptions and a good “voice” to tell the story.  Read through and add sentence punctuation to each sentence you have written.

 

               

   The Battery.

 

 

 

Thousands of people climbed Mount Everest, and thousands yet failed to achieve the summit. Peter wasn’t one of them as he was an experienced mountaineer, he climbed mountains for a living. Peter had no idea that he was going to climb the greatest, largest mountain, Mount Everest.

 

Carol, a friend of Peter’s, was a newly Entitled Scientist, which are scientists who were sent on special missions. Carol knew about a battery stranded on Mount. Everest, that can end the whole of humanity. The battery, created by Baton, Europe’s most diabolical killer, releases a large amount of signals to every nuclear warhead in the world, and then detonates it. 

 

Carol knew somebody had to stop this madness, or soon he was going to have to say bye to his career and life. Carol is lucky to know a mountaineer, which is also his friend, Peter.  He told him all about his daring adventure. Peter was excited, he’d never been in Asia before, and Carol was willing to spend a fortune on tickets to Nepal. This will be Peter’s greatest summit.

           

It took 11 hours on the plane, and Peter was exhausted, he knew he had to book a hotel on Brivago. He’d finally departed the plane, and he was thrilled to know the beauties of the Nepalese Himalayas. He had to rent a car and drive an hour just to get to Camp.

 

Peter got equipped with: gloves and mittens, 5 coats and heavy trousers. He didn’t know why he had to use a flare gun, as there most likely wasn’t any help on Everest. Sherpas will soon guide him.

 

 He didn’t know it required so much for an ascent of the largest mountain in the world. Cooks, Sherpas, even specialized rescuers to help him out of large ropes were there. And he soon found the smallest bridge he’s ever seen in his entire life.

 

He’d made it to the first camp, and had soon found another climber in his tent, she was a solo mountaineer, whose name was Ava. He’d known he had to equip oxygen masks soon. He was sweating, and he was soon expecting an avalanche. The wind blasted in his ears and muffled everything he said. He arrived at Base Camp 2, and yet, no avalanche.  At the middle of Camp 2 and 3, it happened. Peter could see tents flying off, and had soon found out that his water supply his empty.

 

The avalanche finally ended, and he soon had found Camp 3. Oxygen was scarce, and Cooks and Sherpas fed as Peter and Ava filled up their water and oxygen. They hadn’t been sure they were going to make it. Peter had realized that Ava was also here for the battery.

 

They had found themselves on Base Camp 5. They found a bridge, Peter did it fast and got it over with, but Ava almost fell. But Peter grabbed her hand and saved her. They did it, and Baton was waiting there for them. But Baton fell with the battery.

 

You have created a range of sentence structures, good descriptions for characters and settings. Work on having a stronger story thoughout and find a way to resolve the problem in the story rather than the main character dying in the final sentence.

“DON’T  HURT MY CHILD!”Slayer’s mother cried out loud .”YOU LIED TO ME ! SLAYER  WILL BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN ME WHEN SHE GROWS UP!!”  The king yelled back furiously.”I’m sorry ..JUST DON’T HURT MY DAUGHTER “The queen shouted.” NOOOO! MAMA!”Slayer cried as something unexpected happened..”What did you do dad?YOU KILLED HER!Get ready ! I will come back and you will pay for it..”Slayer yelled with tears ..

 

“AHHHHHHH”Slayer woke up breathing heavily as she dreamt of what happened in the past .Her friend ,Lisa came in slamming the door “Are you ok?” “Yea I’m okay ” Slayer replied. ,Slayer curiously asked.”ITS YOUR 19th BIRTHDAY”Lisa happily said, while Slayer widen her eyes ,knowing that she will be 20 next year and her true power will come .Slayer decided to have a little holiday at her kingdom ,Oceana kingdom

“I will be gone for a few months ”Slayer said nervously “Where?Can I come ?” Lisa replied “ Umm I will be visiting my Mother.However she doesn’t like people that much ” Slayer said while acting.

 

A few months later at Oceana Kingdom…..”WOOOWOOOOW!” Slayer yelled as she was enjoying her self flying around like the old days, using her black wings.

Growing up was difficult for Slayer.Being a princess while learning at a mystical academy sounds easy ,but it was the opposite for Slayer .Everyone would always avoid her ,since her father ,the king  ruled the nightmare kingdom ,where all of the bad and dangerous immortals lived.

 

A few hours later , Slayer was playing with her powers while looking at the night sky .“I wonder what type of  other powers I will have …” Slayer whispered softly ,while blasting purple fire at the dark blue sky. She then decided to have a little run since she wasn’t feeling tired. As soon Slayer came out side ,she immediately turned into her wolf form. Her eyes widen quickly that her fur is not dark anymore it’s getting brighter.Slayer then arrived at the evil part of the kingdom ,where she saw her father talking about Lisa ……Slayer  then knew that Lisa is in great danger.Trying to not make a sound ,Slayer turned around quietly… When suddenly “got you ” a muscular demon said while grabbing onto Slayer’s shoulders

Slayer quickly  turned into Vampire form as her eyes turned cherry red and her barbed fangs came out.She kicked the man on the face and the shin making himself fall on the ground.Taking this opportunity,Slayer ran away using her super speed .

 

. 3 days before Slayer’s 20th b-day

 

After weeks  ,Slayer has been having nightmares about her past .

1 day before Slayers birthday

“Let me go!!”Lisa yelled as she was chained on the wall in a dungeon.“Wait  for tomorrow ” The king replied …. However the king doesn’t know it Slayers b-day..

The king told Slayer what happened…

 

The shocking news made Slayer furious that her hair turned into flames and her eyes  turned red .She rushed to the kingdom.”How dare you!!”Slayer angrily yelled with tears as her father killed Lisa in front of Slayer .With all her hatred ,h she killed the king ……..

 

I love the way you “hook” the reader into your story by using speech in a shouting style.  I do think you use too much speech throughout the story and this distracts the reader.  Read through and edit your work by taking out mos of the dialogue and replace it by describing your characters and settings and develop the action and problem in the story using powerful verbs. 

Planet war

In a far  galaxy lives a king, a lizard king called Corvak  and his friend Benkey the talking dog. They both live on Loosker  a black and red planet  what’s as hot as the sun. But on an other  planet called Bluesker  his evil brother Borvak was ploting a plan to invade his brothers planet. Every day Covack and Benkey were visiting they lizard base also known as the army base to train them and talk but benkey Mostly went they for the food but he had to train the dog part of the army what are his brothers and sisters that didn’t get picked by the king when he was a kid. The king and benkey had been friends since when the king was a 3 year old prince but his mum and dad died in a war against corvacks brother borvack  so corvack was crowned king of his dads planet loosakeyer and  borvacks mum was king of bluesker and borvack got crowned king of that planet but corvack didn’t care. While corvack and benkey  was training the army they heard a big, loud and violent noise  far away …

Corvack, Benkey and all the army ran to the place were the noise came from. When they got their they stood in front of a large hole looking at one of Corvacks brothers army space ships with his brother  in it saying that he declares war with his brother on the planet that every one has their wars on called planet of the wars. So Corvack agreed to the deal that if Corvack killed Borvack he will get Bluesker and if Borvack kills Corvack Borvack gets Looskyer but if one wins their get both bluesker and looskyer but if both die it will go to one of there talking or it will go to corvacks and borvacks younger brother sorvack  what rules his own planet.

so Corvack and his army got to planet of the wars then Borvack and his army turned up. Before the war started Corvack and Borvack shook hands then went back to their army’s to make their plans for the war. Then their started war for the next 25 years then stopped because everyone was tied and the rule was when one team was tied they had to stop for a year or two years so Corvack and his army went back to looskyer  to train and train for a year then went back to planet of the wars to start the war for another 24 and a half years because half way through the 25 year corvacks wife had a baby so Corvack ran at his brother and  killed him so he ended the war with half of his army then went to bluesker and got crowned the king then went back to looskyer to see his new son and called his son norvack and said he is the second most important person on bluesker and looskyer because he’s the most important person. But 33 years later he died

 

Some good characters, Corey and I like the fact you have chosen a sci-fi tory to write.  Make sure each sentence is punctuated and read through, making sure your spellings are correct too.  Try using description to develop your characters and settings too. 

 

 

 

 

 

captain log
can you hear me ?
I am captain of the *static* ship
I need help on the plane, o now help me ahhhh !!!!!!
*end of log*

The ship crashed on may the 4, 2109 this is my first day hear on planet 1457 or in over words ,the star, I fond a plasma rocket and one day hear is like ten at home. I don’t know if some one else survived the crash I only survived because I was pushed in to a holding cell for crazy people what was padded. ooo no! they are corner in me!!! ow no heellp !!!!!!!!!

“o what is this. a log oo god he was killed on the spot”.said magma

a tree falls down and he runs like he finds a abandon building witch he wonders into and finds a thing of power a shell suit it only needs power “I fond it I fond it the one item we were looking for I fond the place. magma your so lucked”  

“yeah but you weren’t the first” they shoot in the air” “who are you   

“I am magma. I am from the ship that crashed roughly yester day”

then a tribe comes in and attacks with bows speers and a copal with old diner mite and they fort great but they were to out numbered so they were damaged mentally and theistically their only option was to surrender or die they chose dying raver then been eaten alive. so the stranger was shot and he slowly watch as the glass cracked and she was finally pout to rest with a fiery death and the people ran and started to eat her remains the gore was on the walls and her blood was on him the wales the ceiling as well as on the face of him and on their face’s and they approach him but their was a flash of lite and….

 

TO BE CONTINUED

A good “hook” into the story.Liam but you have overused the speech throughout to tell the story.  If you narrate the story with only a little dialogu to interest the reader but with more descriptions and character development, this would make this story more interesting. I also need you to write another 150 words to complete your story.

slaves .  we have been tossed around sins the African american outbreak as the rich white people say. the dirty racist idiots they treat  us like we are rodents it all started in the year 2009 the Russians just gained air superiority over the united states of america then the front line attack  luckily  they only got three states then america called for a peace treaty . the rules stated that with all farmers in the three states to get back on track they were freely aloud to capture eny African american within those three states .the second rule said that eny american law was now abolished and Russians laws would be used instead .

 

siting in the back of a carig pulled by horses chained up my hands held above my head with a chain and cuffs . hi my name is three my life is a hit and miss i was born in the mist of the grait  Russian war i dint have a mother or a father just a master so far have had 13 of them all white i have bean escaping them sins i was 16 all buy my self they would never notice because they had so meany of them  but this one was different he was fully quipped  he had a lever action rifle by his sighed when you want to escape then you have to notice every diteal the jurny we were making was tacking a huge amount of time finally after what felt like a life time we stopped it was now dark and the look of trees looming over you did not help . a small abandoned building made of rioting would was stearing at me .

there was a horde of spiders and dust then a man lifted up a rug and there it was a trap dor that is what took them 10 hours of traveling a trap dore .he opened it then he led me in and for the ferst time he spock to me and said “the  flight of stares walk down them”.

 

wen i reached the end of the stairs the man in black  opened  the dor i walked in to the blood rided room . there wer three dors that said  toucher room the second dor said interrogation and last room but not least said offis of BLANK i was pushed in to the interrogation room and oh my god. if the war taught me one thing is that stay calm and dont stres. on the flor lay a dead man no open wouned  mus of bean fed some thing harmful or maybe not fed at all he was mall nourished i toled  my self to calm doun and to clear my head BANG the dor shut behiend me a man walked in then loked the dor he said ” we know what you done you have escaped 13 farming compounds you will be faceing the juj of the grat 3 staits of rusha or be sent of to a unescapable compound your dicetion  i chose the compound .

Conall, you created a very interesting idea about your slave character and I especially loved the way this character narrated the story to the reader.  This shows me you are a very creative writer.  Please punctuate your writing, check in with me on spellings but to make the story even better, think about how your character cna make one final escape at the end to make it a “freedom” story.  I feel disappointed with the ending as everything leads up to this point but doesn’t happen.