I panicked uncontrollably as I got dragged further and further away from my home… I screamed and cried but nobody cared or even noticed, it was as such I was invisible… My world was spinning and the only 2 words I could mumble  out underneath my tears was SAVE ME! I had just came to the conclusion that I was being kidnaped! I immediately jumped out of the van and started running for my life. I didn’t even care where I was I just wanted to get away from any where near the van. I ran so far I passed out! Little did I know the shock that was awaiting me the next day……

I was awakened by the blazing hot sun early in the morning. I wasn’t sure of where I was until I looked around and I was in the middle of the desert! You see, I wasn’t worried because when I was a little girl, me and granny would always come to this desert, it was one of our places we would go to all the time. So  I  new this place well(atleast that’s what I thought…)when I was little we didn’t really go that deep into the desert for my own safety reasons and that’s when I got really worried. it had  been 2 hours  already and I was clueless about where I was going. I had never been to that part of the desert before and just new I was in big danger! I was lost in this vast desert and was never going to get out! I was tring to be realistic and was thinking of every last detail I had learnt about an desert in school and also more about this desert. Fortunately, I had  grabbed a bottle of water from the van before I escaped but there wasn’t a lot so I had to vairy my every sip I took. As minuets  turned into hours and hours turned into days I struggled to function. I doubt enyone was even looking for me after all, I lived with my Grandma and she cant really help because I bet she didn’t even notice I was gone… not like she would care anyways…..

it had been about 4 days and I saw a car coming towards me! This was one of the most happiest times of my life and saddest at the same time. you’ll see why once  I tell you…..The car was coming strait at me! I thought I was going to be saved! I was screaming with all my energy to try and get them to notice me but the drove right by me….. all my hope was lost at that point… that was the worst moment of my life! It took so  much energy out of me and just wanted to disopeir! I didn’t want to spend anymore time stuck in the desert….2 weeks late police car was driving around and I was running towads it  spotted me and saved my life! this is a story to warn people to be AWARE of KIDNAPING…

I love the “hook” into the story and you have created an engaging and exciting adventure story. You develop the problem of escape well and then have the twist at the end. Very inventive.  To make it even better, check through to make sure each sentence is punctuated correctly and add more description to different aspects of the story to develop atmosphere and emotion.