Lonely, isolated and wasting credit, is this a problem to you? Well, the MessageBot 1.0 can fix that. It has a speed of 100 miles per hour and battery life lasts 1 year! All you have to do is programme it to go to where it needs to go, and deliver the message. You will get the messages even quicker than when they come through on your phone, and you cant miss them. My name is Alice Moody and I am introducing you too the MessageBot 1.; the quickest, cheapest and easiest way to say hi to your loved ones. How much is it you may be asking, it only retails at a price of £25.50 each. It is available in: Argos, Sainsbury’s, B&M and any online shopping websites. If it breaks, don’t worry because we can replace with a new for free!

Well done Alice! A great introduction to your pitch: very well written to a Y6 standard! I like your starting 3 bad dash sentence and your use of subordinate clauses. You sound very persuasive and knowledgeable about your product. 

Could you add a rhetorical question, maybe towards the end? Also, you’ve used the homophone ‘too’ when you needed ‘to’.