There was a little farm girl called Debbie, she lived near a forest and ate vegetables. She had pigs so she played with them. Everyday she rolled in the mud with the pigs. She had a little dog called Moto Moto ,  there was a forest she never went to because she thinks there are dangerous animals living in their den waiting to strike at any moment. The little girl had a argument with her parents that day, she was that angry that she went into the forest without noticing . She felt peaceful there and calm then she looked left and right then she turned her head to the left and a tunnel appeared she knew it was not there before and fainted.

After recovering, Debbie slowly went in the tunnel and realised the gravity was altered. She jumped as high as she would on the moon she saw a teleportation device it looked mysterious it was going somewhere she saw a button saying Mercury.

Debbie pressed it she went flying like there was zero gravity it was a blue and purple vortex she went down in she never experienced anything like this before. She was closing her eyes most of the way she stopped and her heart was vibrating at a rapid pace. She was in a room filled with food and other things you need to survive she looked on her right there was a space suit she put it on and it acted like a vacuum to fit her body.

“It is comfortable “ she said, relieved.

She went on the  surface of Mercury it was scorching hot but she did not feel the heat the surface looked like it was the Earth with no water 💧. She went on and on looked at the sun for a millisecond she was blinded, she flipped the gold visor on and saw the sun in its true beauty.

Debbie landed on the surface of Venus. She did some research and she forgot her phone but she does have a telescope and grabs a bag from the chamber. She jumped high so she could get a little bit of the atmosphere. Debbie does some research and found  an extremophile on Venus she knew it was an extremophile because Venus is so hot that it snows metal on it and the planet sweats. One of the most well known extremophiles is the tardigrade, also know as the water bear, all extremophiles are microscopic, it is not visible to the human eye, unless you use a microscope. Some people think it’s ugly but Debbie thinks it’s fascinating because the tardigrade can not eat or drink for more than 36 years and can survive in space.

Debbie was trying to teleport and suddenly a tear appears and she gets lost in space, a black hole was nearby⚫️. She screamed at the top of her lungs. She saw two portals one was back to the solar system and one was somewhere else she panicked and chose the right one she was right, she went back home 🏡 . She missed her parents and hugged them crying and said “I missed you “

Then her parents said “why?”

It turns out it was a dream so she went back to bed with the device under her bed.

You have really included your favourite subject as the centre of this story. It is important to maintain a focus but also remember that you are writing a story so try to not overload it with facts. You have included a small amount of speech but I would have liked to have seen more and some different sentence types that were given to you as examples.