Month: February 2020

LC: T12 To use character , dialogue and action to advance events in narrative writing

By 13marcelam

THE  AFTER LIFE …

  Where would you go  to have some peace again in your wonderful life? Please step a side and  imagine  the situation.  The After Life… Where will your spirit cease after this glorious and  memorable opportunity  with your family’s and friends?   Did you know having to decide whether your going to our one and only home  Heaven or the unwelcoming , hair raising Hell . Hundreds of Human beings believe that the afterlife doesn’t exist  but  guess what they’re  wrong  … How would you perceive ceasing beside your valorous savior Jesus Christ . The separate person that  you could  give faith on in this bewildering experience .

God:you should always respect each other  no matter what skin type  they person has

Angels:singing in peace beside our lord christ  they whispered what a place

God :  children’s no matter what other people go around saying what you can and can’ t do always make the right choice please.

Devil: Don’t listen to him just do whatever you want I’ll soon  be the  king of everyone Hahaha

God: oh well do what you want then I know what’s best for citizens

Devil: what ever hahaha…

 God : now my people it’s time for the considerable decision …It’s time to bring all the virtuous Human beings that always believed in me … The ones that always had faith and fear in what I can and can’t do .

Devil: I the king of hell during this revolution I  will defeat all my enemy’s   and become the most powerful king of the after life ever  Hahaha

Angels:That’s what you think  they acknowledged with fear

God :  who do you think you are our savior asked?

 

Devil: I’m the king he replied

Angels: no your not . my people this is your chance to luminesce beside our lord .

 

About  millions  of people were chosen to be in our savior’s  side in the shocking decision . Heaven our palace of twinkling , dazzling diamonds  like crystal ice in the distance  shining like golden sand above the clouds .In addition to this the devil had about 3 hundred people burning in the  scorching  sun burning fire and getting dangerously hurt by the hair raising  “king of hell”

 

I really like the “hook” question into your story but frustratingly you have created a playscript with no stage directions to develop your story. You must write a story without so much speech. Also read through to correct sentence punctuation.

 

 

 

Complaint Letter 10/02/2020

By 13daivamr

Camp Green Lake,

Big Bends,

Calhoun County,

Texas.

Rose Cottage,

Arliefield Road,

Topeka,

Kansas.

To whom it may concern,

20th of February, 1991, Monday.

           I am spending a moment of my time to write to you about the appalling treatment my son, Stanley Yelnats, is now receiving. On the 15th of February,   1991, I made the mistake of sending my beloved child to Camp Green Lake,        Juvenile Correctional Facility. I know he has made some poor decisions in his   life, but that does not mean you can treat my son like a slave! Are you trying   to get arrested, or do you not know how to treat children (prisoners)? In this letter, I am going to share the horrendous care my child has received in the    past few days.

          Stanley Yelnats has stated that there are dangerous animals, such as: scorpions, rattle snakes, and even lethal yellow-spotted lizards that can give   you a slow, poisonous, and painful death. This is not acceptable for young     children to walk in the desert where rattle snakes and deadly animals are       nearby.
       
         Furthermore, I have also heard from Stanley that you are giving         children sick nicknames, like "Armpit" or "Barfbag". Children are being named   disgusting things which will only worsen their behaviour, instead of "fixing"   it. My nerves are shattered hearing this inappropriate behaviour!
               
         Is this your version of better?

        Stanley has also insisted of talking about digging a 5 foot wide and 5   foot tall hole. May I ask, how does this fix the fact he committed a crime?     Not only that these holes are useless, the shovel is made to give children      blisters and sores, which there is no medical care to heal them! You are also   making them dig it in 60 degrees outside! This will lead to sunburns, burns and wounds. May I insist to say more about this ridiculous thing?

       Not only that, there is no proper "good" employees. Mr. Sir, who has quit smoking and spits sunflower seeds in a disgusting way, has threatened my son    to die if he dares to escape this hell hole! As there are "No fences or walls, and I won't waste a bullet on you". May I also say that my son's counsellor, Mr. Pendanski, is bullying a kid called "Zero", as he "Has no brain.", while he is treating other kids like he is their "Mom". May I say that the kids here are     also bullies? They are pinning my child to the ground, and giving him wounds    and scars, because he called him his real name, Theodore.
     
      So, following this, I demand a $560 for my medical bills for my son's      scars, wounds and blisters, and following your employees fired from their jobs  as they clearly do not know how to deal with children. I also demand a new     technique to dealing to children, rather than digging a hole in 60 degrees!      Furthermore, medical training for new employees so they can help wounded and   hurt children. And in addition, I want my son, Stanley Yelnats IV, to be        immediately departed from Camp Green Lake, Juvenile Correctional Facility. I    demand these things by the 8th of March. If you do not consider these things, I will see you in court the next 6 months whenever I am free.



        Yours Faithfully,
  Mr. Daivam-Florian Rizescu. (Yelnats)

Continue reading Complaint Letter 10/02/2020 →

the astrout it away to live with him in space.

By 13jordann

 lc; t12 to use character, dialogue  and action to advance events in narrative writing.

Mrs and Mr fox lived under a old tree  there was two owls lived on top of the tree where there nest is.

There was a sudden crash in the nest, it was the nose of a spaceship and suddenly a fire started from the back of an engine it was spedding as fast you can go there is a lot of beeping in the space craft and everything was  mad.

The astronaut  are anode with the beeping,  they had to contact NASA to ask if they can send more astonauts to try and help fix the throttle.

Mrs and Mr Owl are getting their food ready for the winter, they needed to escape from the fire they had eggs to save so Mrs Owl grabs the shopping bag to put the eggs in. Mr Owl picks up the baby owlets and they both fly away to find a new nest.

At the bottom of the tree the rabbit is gathering all the animals in the different parts of the forest to try and save them. the rats are trying to dig up to surface of the forest to try  and  help get the mice out of the burrow.

At the top of the tree the astronaut is trying to repair the nose on the space ship. The fire brigade arrive from Texas, they try to find  water from underground but they cant find any because it’s all dried up from the heat from the fire. The wind is blowing as strong as the  strongest tree ever and the blaze is spreading down the forest and its killing the wildlife. The firemen are saving the rabbits , even the snakes and putting them in a dark cave where no bear is allowed and the mice are looking for shelter to stay for the night.

The air is much more smoky than it was and the owls are still looking for another place to stay, the owlets are hatching in the bag, there are windows in the bag so the babies can see out. Mr OWL is looking for mice to give to the babies because they’re hungry but he can’t see them. Mrs Owl is too far away and she needs to rest, she’s been flying for 8 hours. Mr Owl was flying as well, they flew for 900 miles and ended up in Hollywood.

In the forest the fire is still spreading, it is a forest fire ! The tree has fallen down into the flames, the astronaut has rung up NASA for back up. NASA finds a farmer to winch down the spacecraft and repair it. The fire brigade find a pond and they refill the tanks to stop the fire.

In the farmers barn there is a manhole to get more water, he has an underground pond so the firemen can refill to put out the fire. They put out the fire and the wildlife is safe.

 

Wow, Jordan. I love this story.  It has a clear structure and the problem of the forest fire is solved by the firemen at the end.  You have used some good descriptions and you have written well in sentences.  At te end, could the animals help put the fire out too? 

the dimension dream

By 13guilianop

LC to use character dialogue and action  to advance  events tn narrotivie writing

 

One day  there was an man called  Keving  had just come back from work that when he saw  his mirror light up.  It looked like there was something opening  up  like a portal. he went towards it then he saw a dark and gloomy place inside. then he got dragged into the mirror. he looked around him in this  dark place. he said “what is this place “. “this is the end nether dimension”  whispered  a voice behind him. “who was that” said keving.. keving  was terrified.

“I am Ben” said that voice again.” hi” said keving” slowly walking  towards him. he had build a small tent  out of materials around  the dimension . ” what is your name” said ben. ” my name is keving”. he gave me some food  and something to drink.

then we herd a roar coming from the woods. ben said ” that’s a monster “. “what !” screamed  Keving . “don’t worry it only sees us if where scared” said Ben. ” It could be any where” said Keving . “it won’t com here unless where scared ” said ben . they herd the roar again but it was louder. then I saw something  move. “its coming towards us ! “I said.

It just whent passed me like it did not notice me. ” Ben are you ok ?” I asked . “yes”. Ben got up. it looked like it had steped on his finger . ” I think  you’ve broken your finger”.

that was terrifying. it’s turning around  oh no it see’s us .   it is going to you first.  don’t just stand there run! noo it ate ben. oh no it s coming towards me.  then I woke up and realised it was a dream.

 

A good story Giuliano with lots of descriptions and powerful verbs used.  Read through and add sentence punctuation (capital letters and full stops.  Also, try to develop your ending so that the reader finds out why Kevin has the dream.

 

 

LC:T12. To use character, dialogue and action to advance events in narative writing. The way home

By 13finns

The way home

I caressed the box in my hands. This could be all the riches that I ever wanted. This could be all the secrets that I could ever know. I knew that I had to hide it before they came. This was my chance. I could hear them coming down the old, rotting stairs. Every footstep, every word. But above all, the pounding of my heart.

I dashed over to the bookshelf in which I found the box. I reached into the dark depths, and put it as far away as I possibly could, just for safe-keeping. I tried to look formal, which was unusual of me, for an unknown reason. It felt as if I didn’t have time to think. I didn’t.

“Hello” said mum, sounding confused. Silence. Expression must have shown on my face, for this was very awkward. So we all just sat down and listened to the lovely sound of the air raid siren. Very enjoyable.          Though I wanted to show off my newly-found thing, it wasn’t the time for that. So I found it in me to get to sleep.

I had the strangest dream.

I woke up, and realised that I was alone. and for some strange reason, I was trembling . The atmosphere in the room was ominous, more like a bad dream. It was dark, too. The exit was blocked. So I reminded myself of the box and on that thought I sped over to the bookshelf and took the thing out after much hard work. I opened it to find the contents…                                                                                                                                                       It contained an address and a picture of a house. As I examined it more closely, I saw my grandmother.

I knew I had to go there as they were my only relatives that I knew. What about mum and my sister? Oh, they betrayed me. It was  tricky to find a way out, but I managed it in the end, with many bumps and bruises. Had I cared? No!  I crawled out, tired and fatigued. But yet I had to keep going. I thought that I saw mum, but a man can see many things when he gets tired. I thought I heard my mum cry and yell my name, but a man can hear many things when he is tired. All I knew was that I needed to get away from this distraught, destroyed, and withered place, and get to grandma’s.

I kept running, didn’t stop, not for anything. this was my chance. I kept running, not getting tired. I was lucky as the bus was running for free tonight, so I got on. I saw many injured people, and,  much to my horror, blood stained the floor. Classic wartime scenery.

I had fainted and was going to miss my stop

I woke up in Cornwall. Strangely I didn’t care. and, my mum was there, and sister, and grandma! I went in for tea and biscuits. I didn’t forget the box, I hope.

I love the “hook” into your story and it is very engaging both from the structure and problem introduced but also the sentences and description you have added. Vey well done!

To make it even better, focus on developing one main problem for the protagonist (you in the story) and the best way to do this is to keep it simple.  Your complicated sentence structures and detailed noun phrases make this simple structure very intersting and engaging.  

 

the foset of the monters LC;T12 To use character ,dialogue and action to advance

By 13ryleighm

In the day Emma and Snow were sill looking for that monster then sudleuy  the monster jumptd from bined a tree and cashed the little girls back home when the girls were in the house safe there were vrery hugrey so there ate the biggist cholate cake in the whoel  wied wold .    the next day the girls set out agan  but that time there bouert some spllies with them so there can chaet the monster and this is what there bouete a net a blakit with the net in it the girls hided bhiend a bushe in the foset the monster was comeing there hred a lot of foot septs the same thing happed anain but the girls just not quike enfeof to get away from thos monsters so the monsters ate the girls and the girls were never seen again thire mother and father are very worrid about them aftey a few days later there had some tiws and there grew up into me so then there set out to find a lovly fowly grdene  but little did there kowe that the fower graned was owend by

 

A good story setting and you have developed your ideas well. Make sure you punctuate each sentence well and check and change some spellings in your work.

LC: T12 To use character, dialogue and action to advance events in narrative writing

By 13vickyb

The Suspicion Of The Murder

 

The day switched off. Wolves howling, creatures hiding, the full moon glowing in the night sky…

The clock fully stroke midnight. All of a sudden, an unexpected noise was heard from the distance…getting louder…and louder…

Was it a bomb? Or was it just our imagination?

But no. This cant be! Well, this leads to only one thing…

It turned out that this was coming from the Haunted Castle of Horror. People don’t even DARE to enter this horrifying place. When you take one step in this castle, you never come back.

There was a special event for the vampires; they gave birth to a beautiful, nasty daughter. She laid her head on the cot, which most likely came from the attic. Her parents named her, Teresa Finlago.

After Teresa’s birth, her parents (Cortney and Hamis Finlago) were often away, getting involved in fights and murder mysteries.

A few years past, and Teresa was a teenager with the age of 17. She had  grown up to be a malicious, cruel, malevolent woman. She was spoilt by her parents; all of these crimes going on in her life. Without a second thought, it was time for Teresa herself to experience it all. Although, not everything came out how she was expecting….

It was an ordinary night, like any other. It must have been busy in the Castle of Horrors, but no. There was silence…complete silence.

At 3am (the devil’s hour), a sudden threat of noise came out. All who lived near by were startled of the scream that was heard.

The next morning, Teresa awoke and went to her parents room to check out how they’re doing. As she took a step into the dusty room, Teresa immediately noticed a drip of fine, clean blood fall onto the white carpet. She looked up. Cortney and Hamis Finlago were not responding to their own daughter. Teresa’s eyes, filled with tears, had that worried look on her face. The parents were silent, and no breathing could be heard. This could only lead to one thing; another crime of suspicious murder was committed.

Once more, the voices echoed in her mind, “Kill Ones Who Have Nothing To Give But A Guilt In Their Soul.” These words repeated a few times, but the sound slowly faded away. For the first time in her life, SHE felt the guilt in her soul.

Today, everyone is able to visit this place, but the history about the life of Teresa Finlago changed many lives, and the land of Recusa will never stay the same…

 

Well done Vicky- a very well structured story and you have written using a wide range of sentence types, a good range of descriptive vocabulary and you have used lots of different punctuation to emphasise parts of your story.  

To make this story even better, develop the problem (the legend of Teresa) so that something changes for her by the end of the story.

 

The Whisper

By 13ellej

It was a cold night,

Mace, the keeper of the keys, was getting ready for bed when he heard a mumbling whisper, he shook his head with confusion and hopped into bed. Mace woke up at 5:00 in the morning and heard the whisper, he then slowly went and woke up his sister up he said to her “ Jace, Jace wake up” he said,Jace replied “ what’s the matter” Mace said, the whisper.

 

Jace grabbed Mace and said “run” Jace and Mace ran to their brothers room and Jace said “Mace said he heard a whisper” their brother Michael said, “Ok, ( he looked at Mace and nervously said) what happened mace” Mace said “well I heard it when I was getting ready for bed then, I heard it just a minute ago” then they all started hearing the stuttering whisper they all frighteningly looked at each other Michael said “stay here” Michael courageously went downstairs and followed the whisper Michael uncovered a dusty,old,silver Key and took it back to Jace and Mace. Mace immediately ran to Michael who was looking strangely at the key like he had seen it before. Jace uneasily said to Mace “have you seen this key before?” Mace said “yeah in my dream” Michael held the key in the air and then he jumped Jace immediately said “what’s up” Michael said “I felt something in my neck” Mace bravely snatched the key and held it up Mace looked shocked, but put the key in his head. Suddenly he jumped out of his body, now everyone looked shocked Mace pointed to this rainbow door, Michael and Jace turned around and there was, a colourful rainbow door, they froze!!

 

Jace turned to Michael and Mace, she stuttered “sh sh sh should we g go in th th there?” Mace said “yes” Michael said “lets go then” Mace,Michael and Jace all went through the door. Through the door was jack boxes,games,cars and loads of colour full things Mace exited said “it’s inside my head I think” Jace said “ok let’s just get out of here” Mace,Michael and Jace all came out of the door Mace carefully took the key out of his head and jumped back into his body. Maces mum walked in and confusedly said “what are you all doing up at this time” and sent them all back to bed. It was now 7:00 in the morning, Jace,Mace and Michael were all still awake and all of a sudden they heard another whisper so they all ran to the whisper next to the piano, Michael opened the piano and held the key up and stuck it in his chin, suddenly a door opened, Mace and his dog Bailey when through the door and turned into ghosts, out of nowhere Maces mum shut the door and Mace was stuck in afterlife with his dog Bailey then Mace then was banging on the door until he noticed something… “hello is anybody there,hello ?

 

I like the way you have structured your ideas in the story, Ellie and you’ve described your characters and their action well using “show- not tell” through their behaviour. THis adds to the scary mysterious aspect to the story.

Read through, adding sentence punctuation as well as adding correct speech punctuation to open and close speeh correctly with inverted commas.

The world of dead L.C:To use character, dialogue and action to advance event in narrative writing

By 13vanessal

5.2.2020

Dear Diary,

Everything has gone badly wrong. It could be a new disease or something because nothing can explain what is happening.Everything’s gone now its hard to even recognize what this world is now. It’s probably best I start from were this all began.

This all started at school, our teacher, Mr Thompson , wasn’t feeling well but it wasn’t that bad that he couldn’t teach us. We had just done registration and we were about to get ready for the day, but Mr Thompson fell asleep?(at least that’s what it seemed like). It started to draw a crowd, if you took a closer look at him……..he looked dead. He woke up but something had changed, he looked ill and his skin had briefly changed colour then he tried to attack us. He even bit someone. People tried to stop him, while they were trying to stop it, me and Gabe left. We didn’t go home because it would be a long journey on foot

We’re currently staying at a newly built house. It’s currently winter and we barely have any supplies.We might not make it ,and if we do it’s long. We may have to consider hunting if there isn’t much food, I mean,dad did teach me how to use a gun so it will be a bit easier. I’m signing off, good bye and I hope I won’t die.

Kiara,

6.2.2020

Dear Diary,

I somehow survived a night. If we have no luck scavenging we’ll have to hunt, but we don’t know what we’ll use, hopefully we might find something.

We just came back from scavenging and we had to hunt. We went to a small town near by to scavenge and we did find a few things, we even found medicine which is rare a find and and in a garden shed we found a hunting rifle! we did also meet a walker (Gabe thought of a name for them). We had to shoot it. since we weren’t in a rush I managed to get a closer look at it, and their hideous Imagine a old rotting corps that it slightly green and missing one part of the body or its stomach is open with guts pouring out. Luckily the forest was near by so we did some hunting there. While we were hunting I got two squirrels but none of us know how to cook them without roasting them. Gabe has set the fire and we’re trying to figure out how to cook them.Bye, I’m signing off.

Kiara,

7.2.2020

Its the morning and we’re probably going to do some scavenging.

We’re currently scavenging in the town. Me and Gabe agreed on splitting up, so that we can easily find supplies.I don’t think we’re alone I just heard a gunshot and I am the only one who has the gun I’m going to look for Gabe. I think something happened to him,I can’t find him did someone or something take him? I’m going to check the forest if I don’t write again i’m probably dead.

 

I like the way you have created a “hook” at the start of your story and your “zombie” idea is quite original. It made me smile to read about how your teacher becomes more and more ill. Be careful to make sure each sentence makes sense, Nessa but very well done in changing your ending and keeping within the 500 words. Big respect!!