The Whisper

It was a cold night,

Mace, the keeper of the keys, was getting ready for bed when he heard a mumbling whisper, he shook his head with confusion and hopped into bed. Mace woke up at 5:00 in the morning and heard the whisper, he then slowly went and woke up his sister up he said to her “ Jace, Jace wake up” he said,Jace replied “ what’s the matter” Mace said, the whisper.

 

Jace grabbed Mace and said “run” Jace and Mace ran to their brothers room and Jace said “Mace said he heard a whisper” their brother Michael said, “Ok, ( he looked at Mace and nervously said) what happened mace” Mace said “well I heard it when I was getting ready for bed then, I heard it just a minute ago” then they all started hearing the stuttering whisper they all frighteningly looked at each other Michael said “stay here” Michael courageously went downstairs and followed the whisper Michael uncovered a dusty,old,silver Key and took it back to Jace and Mace. Mace immediately ran to Michael who was looking strangely at the key like he had seen it before. Jace uneasily said to Mace “have you seen this key before?” Mace said “yeah in my dream” Michael held the key in the air and then he jumped Jace immediately said “what’s up” Michael said “I felt something in my neck” Mace bravely snatched the key and held it up Mace looked shocked, but put the key in his head. Suddenly he jumped out of his body, now everyone looked shocked Mace pointed to this rainbow door, Michael and Jace turned around and there was, a colourful rainbow door, they froze!!

 

Jace turned to Michael and Mace, she stuttered “sh sh sh should we g go in th th there?” Mace said “yes” Michael said “lets go then” Mace,Michael and Jace all went through the door. Through the door was jack boxes,games,cars and loads of colour full things Mace exited said “it’s inside my head I think” Jace said “ok let’s just get out of here” Mace,Michael and Jace all came out of the door Mace carefully took the key out of his head and jumped back into his body. Maces mum walked in and confusedly said “what are you all doing up at this time” and sent them all back to bed. It was now 7:00 in the morning, Jace,Mace and Michael were all still awake and all of a sudden they heard another whisper so they all ran to the whisper next to the piano, Michael opened the piano and held the key up and stuck it in his chin, suddenly a door opened, Mace and his dog Bailey when through the door and turned into ghosts, out of nowhere Maces mum shut the door and Mace was stuck in afterlife with his dog Bailey then Mace then was banging on the door until he noticed something… “hello is anybody there,hello ?

 

I like the way you have structured your ideas in the story, Ellie and you’ve described your characters and their action well using “show- not tell” through their behaviour. THis adds to the scary mysterious aspect to the story.

Read through, adding sentence punctuation as well as adding correct speech punctuation to open and close speeh correctly with inverted commas.

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