The way home

I caressed the box in my hands. This could be all the riches that I ever wanted. This could be all the secrets that I could ever know. I knew that I had to hide it before they came. This was my chance. I could hear them coming down the old, rotting stairs. Every footstep, every word. But above all, the pounding of my heart.

I dashed over to the bookshelf in which I found the box. I reached into the dark depths, and put it as far away as I possibly could, just for safe-keeping. I tried to look formal, which was unusual of me, for an unknown reason. It felt as if I didn’t have time to think. I didn’t.

“Hello” said mum, sounding confused. Silence. Expression must have shown on my face, for this was very awkward. So we all just sat down and listened to the lovely sound of the air raid siren. Very enjoyable.          Though I wanted to show off my newly-found thing, it wasn’t the time for that. So I found it in me to get to sleep.

I had the strangest dream.

I woke up, and realised that I was alone. and for some strange reason, I was trembling . The atmosphere in the room was ominous, more like a bad dream. It was dark, too. The exit was blocked. So I reminded myself of the box and on that thought I sped over to the bookshelf and took the thing out after much hard work. I opened it to find the contents…                                                                                                                                                       It contained an address and a picture of a house. As I examined it more closely, I saw my grandmother.

I knew I had to go there as they were my only relatives that I knew. What about mum and my sister? Oh, they betrayed me. It was  tricky to find a way out, but I managed it in the end, with many bumps and bruises. Had I cared? No!  I crawled out, tired and fatigued. But yet I had to keep going. I thought that I saw mum, but a man can see many things when he gets tired. I thought I heard my mum cry and yell my name, but a man can hear many things when he is tired. All I knew was that I needed to get away from this distraught, destroyed, and withered place, and get to grandma’s.

I kept running, didn’t stop, not for anything. this was my chance. I kept running, not getting tired. I was lucky as the bus was running for free tonight, so I got on. I saw many injured people, and,  much to my horror, blood stained the floor. Classic wartime scenery.

I had fainted and was going to miss my stop

I woke up in Cornwall. Strangely I didn’t care. and, my mum was there, and sister, and grandma! I went in for tea and biscuits. I didn’t forget the box, I hope.

I love the “hook” into your story and it is very engaging both from the structure and problem introduced but also the sentences and description you have added. Vey well done!

To make it even better, focus on developing one main problem for the protagonist (you in the story) and the best way to do this is to keep it simple.  Your complicated sentence structures and detailed noun phrases make this simple structure very intersting and engaging.