LC: T12 To use character, dialogue and action to advance events in narrative writing, Daivam, EDITED AGAIN


   The Battery.




Thousands of people climbed Mount Everest, and thousands yet failed to achieve the summit. Peter wasn’t one of them as he was an experienced mountaineer, he climbed mountains for a living. Peter had no idea that he was going to climb the greatest, largest mountain, Mount Everest.


Carol, a friend of Peter’s, was a newly Entitled Scientist, which are scientists who were sent on special missions. Carol knew about a battery stranded on Mount. Everest, that can end the whole of humanity. The battery, created by Baton, Europe’s most diabolical killer, releases a large amount of signals to every nuclear warhead in the world, and then detonates it. 


Carol knew somebody had to stop this madness, or soon he was going to have to say bye to his career and life. Carol is lucky to know a mountaineer, which is also his friend, Peter.  He told him all about his daring adventure. Peter was excited, he’d never been in Asia before, and Carol was willing to spend a fortune on tickets to Nepal. This will be Peter’s greatest summit.


It took 11 hours on the plane, and Peter was exhausted, he knew he had to book a hotel on Brivago. He’d finally departed the plane, and he was thrilled to know the beauties of the Nepalese Himalayas. He had to rent a car and drive an hour just to get to Camp.


Peter got equipped with: gloves and mittens, 5 coats and heavy trousers. He didn’t know why he had to use a flare gun, as there most likely wasn’t any help on Everest. Sherpas will soon guide him.


 He didn’t know it required so much for an ascent of the largest mountain in the world. Cooks, Sherpas, even specialized rescuers to help him out of large ropes were there. And he soon found the smallest bridge he’s ever seen in his entire life.


He’d made it to the first camp, and had soon found another climber in his tent, she was a solo mountaineer, whose name was Ava. He’d known he had to equip oxygen masks soon. He was sweating, and he was soon expecting an avalanche. The wind blasted in his ears and muffled everything he said. He arrived at Base Camp 2, and yet, no avalanche.  At the middle of Camp 2 and 3, it happened. Peter could see tents flying off, and had soon found out that his water supply his empty.


The avalanche finally ended, and he soon had found Camp 3. Oxygen was scarce, and Cooks and Sherpas fed as Peter and Ava filled up their water and oxygen. They hadn’t been sure they were going to make it. Peter had realized that Ava was also here for the battery.


They had found themselves on Base Camp 5. They found a bridge, Peter did it fast and got it over with, but Ava almost fell. But Peter grabbed her hand and saved her. They did it, and Baton was waiting there for them. But Baton fell with the battery.


You have created a range of sentence structures, good descriptions for characters and settings. Work on having a stronger story thoughout and find a way to resolve the problem in the story rather than the main character dying in the final sentence.

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